Miss you, Dad.

11/22/2018 08:31:00 am

I've been searching my laptop for about an hour for something I wrote a few months back about Daddy, but, I guess the universe didn't want me to relive the whole thing again because I can't find it anywhere. I guess it's better this way. 

It's been 6 months but I still cry at the most random moments. My anxiety attacks on days leading up to the 22nd of every month has been getting the worst of me and to say that this has been the hardest year yet is an understatement--it's definitely the worst and I feel like a ton of trucks ran over me. I've been tired for months.

You don't want to see me like this. I'm sure of that. Happy 6th Month in heaven, Daddy. Coincidentally, it's also Thanksgiving. I may have chosen to live a life missing you every second but, I know everything good that's happening to me today is because you prayed fervently for it and for me. I'm thankful that we got to spend a lot of your good years together. I'm thankful that you didn't make it relatively hard for Mommy, under the circumstances. Thank you for considering everything before this happened.

A day before you left, I told someone that I'm scared. I'm scared because things were so good for me and I was so happy. I'm scared if this is the calm before the storm. And so it was. Ever since you left, I haven't gone or swam in any sea or body of water. Not until last month. I've hated the sea for a bit because it took you from us. It's been a constant that whenever we're in Antique, we'll swim in the sea just near the house and come home drenched in sea water and sand. But it took me days of being near it to decide that I'll finally swim again. It's been one of the hardest trips of my life. This year has been the hardest.

I miss you so much. I can't do anything but cry and write about it. If I could, I would visit you everyday and tell you personally how my day went but my life is far from where you are. I'm sorry :(

I have so many regrets, but you loved me despite all my shortcomings. I really miss you. See you in my dreams, please.

Love you, Daddy.

2.14

2/13/2018 11:58:00 pm


One of my bestfriends sent me this earlier and I swear to god I haven't been talking to her about feeling down today. I am truly blessed to have friends that care about my mental health and who care about my wellbeing. Maybe because most of them have seen me go through an attack and probably don't want me to go through that again, and for that I'm really and eternally thankful.

I know I need to be more vocal about my anxieties and I'm learning how to. Being alone for most my life has taught me how to be independent and how most people only listen to reply. Not to understand. That's why I write my feelings out. Because words flow freely whenever I write them down.

Maybe I'm wrong? Maybe my walls are just too high up that only people who care enough see how difficult it's been to be alone.

Maybe it's just the night.